Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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