eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
