Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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