I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
