I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Randomize
