oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
