Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
