9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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