hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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