I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize