I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
