oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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