I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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