I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
