You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
