your thong is hanging out like whoa
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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