alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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