my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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