a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
