these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
