90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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