White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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