In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
then he tried to convert me to islam
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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