You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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