Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
