My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
