Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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