so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
