If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
