i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
