We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Dear god my vagina.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
