If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
