I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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