thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I will pee on everything he values.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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