Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
