mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
