I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize