I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
