I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
