dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
