i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
