I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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