well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
