i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize