u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
