she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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