I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
