At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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