this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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