paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
