Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
