I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
