my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
