I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
