where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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