i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize